SGALGG: Emmy Edition

You know, there wasn’t even that much SGALGG at the Emmys, more evidence that it was a generally forgettable year (minus a few notable exceptions, who of course helped prove the rule). But I worked hard to find you the closest I could find to Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals at the awards this year, because I believe in selfless endeavors that betters humanity. Also, I just like it when ladies hold hands. And this gives me more opportunities to post pictures of Tina and Amy. Award season gives you lemons, you turn it into Liz Lemonade. Too much? Well, I tried. On to the SGALGG.

Tina & Amy

I love how it looks like Tina is totally checking out Amy’s ass and Amy is all, “Like what you see, of course you do.”

Alison Pill & Jane Fonda

I don’t know what Jane is trying to do to Allison, but I’m not entirely sure it’s consensual.

Diahann Carroll & Kerry Washington

Two beautiful women who look beautiful together. No joke, just facts.

“Orange Is the New Black” Emmy Selfies

Stop being so adorable, cast. You only make me miss you more.

Sofia Vergara & Padma Lakshmi

I. Will. Be. In. My. Bunk.

Sofia Vergara & Julie Bowen

Clearly Julie’s being all possessive with Sofia after seeing that display with Padma.

Claire Danes & Lena Dunham

If you watched the E! Red Carpet, you saw Lena & Claire discuss being BFFs. You also saw they awkward goodbye faux makeout.

Bonus: GGALGG

Carla Gallo & Sarah Paulson

I really wanted the gay lady to win for playing a gay lady. Better luck with “American Horror Story: Coven,” Sarah.

Clea DuVall & Natasha Lyonne

Graham + Megan 4EVA

Emmy Hangover

So the Emmys were last night and the only things those of you who did not watch really need to know is this 1) They talked a lot about death. Like, a lot. Like it was the best-dressed funeral with the worst hors d’oeuvres you’ve ever been to. 2) Most of the people I wanted to win lost. See: Amy Poehler, Kerry Washington, Jessica Lang and Sarah Paulson, among others. 3) Three women absolutely stole the show within the first 15 minutes and it was all downhill from there. Those women were Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Merritt Wever.

Tina & Amy showed poor Neil Patrick Harris how it’s done by heckling him about twerking after the opening number.


Then Merritt showed all the other winners how an acceptance speech is done when she won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for “Nurse Jackie.”


The only other thing you need to know about the awards is that Tatiana Maslany was robbed.

Emmy Hangover

So the Emmys were last night and the only things those of you who did not watch really need to know is this 1) They talked a lot about death. Like, a lot. Like it was the best-dressed funeral with the worst hors d’oeuvres you’ve ever been to. 2) Most of the people I wanted to win lost. See: Amy Poehler, Kerry Washington, Jessica Lange and Sarah Paulson, among others. 3) Three women absolutely stole the show within the first 15 minutes and it was all downhill from there. Those women were Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Merritt Wever.

Tina & Amy showed poor Neil Patrick Harris how it’s done by heckling him about twerking after the opening number.


Then Merritt showed all the other winners how an acceptance speech is done when she won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for “Nurse Jackie.”


The only other thing you need to know about the awards is that Tatiana Maslany was robbed.

Parks & Monday

Monday, Monday. Nothing as predictable as the inevitable mundanity of the perpetual restarting of the work week. What can be done in the face of such a case of the day-before-Tuesday? Simple. Be like that lovable chim-chimney sweep Bert. Love to laugh. But what at? So many option. Republican attempts at minority outreach? Anthony Weiner’s mayoral campaign? Justin Bieber?

Nope, nope. Yes, but also nope. No, when I want to laugh I like to leave it to the professionals. Because serious laughs are serious business. Seriously funny. Which is why the best way to start your Monday is with the gang from “Parks & Recreation.” And, hard workers that they are, they provided us some 20-minutes of gag reel for their Season 5 DVD. That’s a lot of laughs, friends. A lot.

Please enjoy. And know that nothing makes your bored co-workers more jealous on a mind-numbing Monday than seeing you shake with laughter at your desk. You’re welcome.

Amy does it

In times of emotional stress and communal reflection, I don’t often suggest you turn to celebrities. Nothing beats a good snuggle with your new kitty or own personal Comfort Dog. Hug that someone oh so special oh so tight. But today I recommend you enjoy the generous embrace of one outstanding human being and fierce funny lady Amy Poehler. This past week took a toll on a lot of us, inundated with media and mob reports on would-be, could-be, oops totally wrong coverage of real, live tragic events that unfolded like a real-life crime drama before our eyes. I raised a glass (maybe a couple) to the law enforcement and rest of the helpers for ending it with such professionalism. As a news junkie, I couldn’t help but watch every second. As a human being, I think it’s always best to soften one’s heart in times like these. These aren’t the Tragedy Olympics. No one wins for suffering. Let’s have an incredible week, world.

p.s. If you want to love Amy even more, here are a few more of her short, smart advice videos (shot admirably low-tech and sans makeup) from her Smart Girls at the Party young women’s empowerment series.

On Negativity

On Goodbyes

On Sleep

p.p.s. Then there’s this perfect piece of advice which is, well, perfect: “Girls, if boys say something that’s not funny, you don’t have to laugh.”

p.p.s. Though, when warranted, you are perfectly welcome to laugh your lashes off AT boys. Watch the whole thing, trust me.

Nothing feels better than starting off your Monday with a hearty laugh at the expense of a world renowned sex idiot. America, fuck yeah.

SGALGG: Oscars Edition

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. So the Oscars were on Sunday. If you want a comprehensive recap of the big show (Cliffs Notes version: boobs song, sexist joke, Jaws theme, J-Falls perfectly) check it out over at AfterEllen. If you want to see a bunch of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals together, well, you know where to go. No, wait, don’t go anywhere. Stay here, because that’s where they are. No, I mean it. Just scroll down.

Jennifer Lawrence & Anne Hathaway

Don’t they look like the toppers on a gay lady same-sex wedding cake? Replace those shiny naked golden men with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and it’s pretty much ready for the “I Dos.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Jennifer Hudson

I am telling you, I’m not going…down on you in front of all of these people. Wait until later, darling.

Amanda Seyfried & Jessica Chastain

Zero Dark Eyes Up, Chastain. Eyes up.

Norah Jones & Adele

Think of the beautiful music they could make together. Figuratively and literally.

Reese Witherspoon, Naomi Watts & Isla Fisher

Naomi is the shiny meat in this beautiful cobalt blue sandwich.

Sally Field & Amy Poehler

Kiss! Make it a threesome with Tina Fey! Or with Aubrey Plaza since she’s leering at you two together in the background already.

Halle Berry & Paula Patton

No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re… Sorry, I’m imagining their conversation.

Anne Hathaway & Sarah Silverman

Unlike Zeta-Jones and JHud, they’re not waiting to be alone to make the magic happen.

Miley Cyrus & Kelly Osbourne

This is becoming a regular thing for these two. Same time, same place next year I can only assume.

Jennifer Aniston & Charlize Theron

The blurriness of this picture was obviously caused by Jen lunging toward Charlize because no one has the kind of restraint to hold herself back when presented with that much stunning.

Charlize’s Hair

I’ve never asked a haircut to call me before. But in this case, gurl, call me.

SGALGG: Globes Edition

You didn’t think I’d let a big fancy dress up party with shiny trophies go by without a heaping helping of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Granted, the evening had Gay Gals Acting Like Out Gay Gals thanks to Jodie Foster. (p.s. Love how the camera operator panicked when the gay stuff started and panned to the nearest lesbian, Jane Lynch.) Still, nothing like a bunch of fancy frocks to make a gal feel pretty and witty and gay. And they ladies spread the love around liberally this year. And with so many lovelies about, wouldn’t you too?

Anne Hathaway & Amanda Seyfried

The way they were snuggling on the stage during “Les Miserables’” big win made me think we had secretly crashed their wedding.

Anne Hathaway & Jessica Chastain

Well, I’d want a hug with those arms, too, Anne.

When hugging it out doesn't do it, by all means resort to kissing it out.

Lena Dunham & Girls

It's mandatory for all winning costars to snuggle at the Globes. I approve.

Lena Dunham & Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I find a big smooch soothes a los quite well, too.

Vanessa Hudgens & Selena Gomez

Once the envy of tween girls everywhere, now the object of affection of an entirely different group of girls – tweens and otherwise.

Vanessa Hudgens & Ashley Tisdale

They look like guests attending Anne and Amanda’s wedding.

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

NOW KISS, TIMES INFINITY.

Tina & Amy Redux

This is what I imagine they look like after the aforementioned mandatory makeout session.

Thandie Newton & Lucy Liu

Yet another couple of invitees to the Hathaway-Seyfried nuptials. I wonder what they bought off the registry.

Jennifer Lopez & Jessica Alba

The girl to the left behind them is thinking one thing: Threeway!

BONUS: GGALGG

Coming out has clearly made Jodie want to do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight.

Already golden

I do not care who wins. I do not care who loses. All I know is that because Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting the Golden Globes together next Sunday, we are all already winners. Fine, OK, I lied, I care a little about who wins. Like I want Tina and Amy to tie for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. Preferably it will be a three-way tie with Angelina Jolie, so Amy can finally have that conversation with her.

p.s. I really hope they were those Chucks while hosting.

My Weekend Crushes

The Golden Globes and their nominations are, by and large, a joke. (No "Parks & Rec" and no "Mad Men?") But this year's hosts are pure, 100 percent golden. Happy weekend, all.

My Weekend Roar

You know what I like? Women. You know how I like ‘em? Roaring. This election season has been hard on us and our lady bits. There’s been a lot – too much – talk of what we can and cannot do with them. There’s been a lot – too much – talk of what is legitimate and not legitimate when it happens to them. And there’s been a lot – too much – talk of what should happen when someone violates them and whether the unwanted result is something God intended to happen. Enough, old white men. ENOUGH. So this weekend my crush is not on any one woman, but all women – and discerning men folk – who are tired of more than half of the population being told what they can and cannot with our lives and bodies. So here are a lot of smart, talented, funny and fierce ladies saying enough is enough. My vote is my roar. Happy weekend, all.

Bitches get hosting done

SWEET LESBIAN JESUS, YOU HAVE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS AT LAST. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are going to co-host the Golden Globe Awards. Let me repeat that one more time for emphasis. TINA FEY AND AMY POEHLER ARE MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE. With all due respect to Chris Traeger, this is LITERALLY the best news ever. I am LITERALLY overcome with joy. The world is LITERALLY in for a treat. Yes, Joe Biden, I know I’m using literally wrong.

This news is great/amazing/wonderful for so many reasons. One, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are both smart, talented, funny women on their own. Two, together they are like the ultimate dynamic duo of female empowerment and hilarity. Three, awards shows rarely have female hosts, let alone two of them. Four, they’re a refreshing antidote to the Academy Awards’s choice of dude-centric host Seth MacFarlane. Four, this is the perfect excuse to watch old clips of Tina and Amy together on Weekend Update. Five, they'll further fuel our feverish fantasies as Tina and Amy gaze lovingly at each other (see above). Six, bitches get stuff done – mic drop.

Screw Christmas. I’ll have all the presents I’ll ever need come Jan. 13. I mean, if them just chatting together for 10 minutes is this entertaining, imagine how amazing 3 hours of them together will be. Please, hold me – I’m lizzing.

SGALGG: Emmys Edition

Oh, Emmy Awards. Each year I have such high hopes that only the most deserving will wing and each year something like Jon Cryer happens. And I even used to love Duckie. While they’re not always the most merit wothy of meritocracies, they are almost always a great source of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Like whatever is happening here between Sofia Vergara, Sofia Vergara’s mom and Julie Bowen. Well, Julie did go on about sister wives in her award speech. So keeping it all in the family must just come naturally. A few more SGALGG moments from this year’s Emmys which merit your attention.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus & Amy Poehler

Even Julia thought it was a shame Amy didn’t win. But at least they hugged it out.

Lucy Liu & Julianne Moore

In my head, Julianne just told Lucy she wanted to see her Russia in her house. Are those euphemisms? You betcha.

Jessica Lange & Connie Britton

You can’t blame Connie for taking a shot at Jessica. In fact you’re probably a little jealous.

Morena Baccarin & Claire Danes

While nothing overtly SGALGG-y is happening here, you have to believe the magnificent V in Morena’s dress is giving Claire pause.

Amy Poehler & Tina Fey

If I can’t marry My Fake TV Wife, then I want Amy to have her and I want them to make the funniest babies in all the world together.

Ginnifer Goodwin, Emily VanCamp & Julie Bowen

Julie just made Ginnifer and Emily and offer they can’t refuse.

Katee Sackhoff & Tricia Helfer

What happens in the photobooth rarely every just happens in the photobooth. Ahem.

Christina Hendricks

While she isn’t doing anything gay, she is certainly making a lot of new gays just by sitting there.

Sarah Paulson

This is what I call a Gay Gal Acting Like a Gay Gal. I mean, really, look at how excited she is at the sight of sensible shoes.

Sofia Vergara & Julie Bowen

Screw Jay and Phil. Think how big a hit “Modern Family” would be if we got to see Gloria and Claire do this every week.

NSFW BONUS

So Sofia Vergara suffered a bit of a wardrobe malfunction right before “Modern Family” took home the Emmy for best comedy. I think this might be proof there is a benevolent God, and she loves us lesbians.