Witchy Women

Despite my better judgment, I am enjoying the shit out of “American Horror Story: Coven” so far this season. Like, really, I look forward to this insane locomotive of witchy-bitchy magnificence each week. It’s so unexpected because when “American Horror Story” first premiered two seasons ago I was like – No. All of the no. I’m a legendary chicken and have watched most horror movies from behind a pillow and if no pillow is available with my hands over my eyes.

Now I realize saying I like “American Horror Story: Coven” will make some folks angry. There are so many things not right about this show. Among them are Ryan Murphy’s depictions of women, Ryan Murphy’s depiction of a gang rape and Ryan Murphy’s depiction of the torture of (literally) faceless slaves.

If you want to get very angry at me because I continue to watch a Ryan Murphy show, that is your right. And if you want to get very angry at me because I continue to watch a show that featured a voyeuristic rape and graphic torture, that is your right. If you want to get very angry at me because I continue to watch a show that believes women’s main motivations are youth, boys and babies, that is your right. Also, one of the witches “powers” is she that has an honest-to-goodness killer vagina. I mean Jesus fucking Christ. I find so much of this show horrifically, horrifically problematic. I am not saying you should continue (or even start) to watch this show because of these problems. I am just saying why I choose to continue tune in. Those reasons are multi-fold. But if I had to enumerate them that would be 1) Jessica Lange, 2) Angela Bassett, 3) Kathy Bates, 4) Sarah Paulson and 5) Lily Rabe.



This is hands down the most impressive cast of female stars working together on TV today. There are certainly other shows with ridiculously talented and amazing actresses on TV. But I don’t think there is another show with the sheer volume of ridiculously talented and amazing actresses working together in one ensemble on the air right now.

And we have not even gotten to the younger generation which includes Taissa Farmiga, Emma Roberts, Gabourey Sidibe and Jamie Brewer. Oh, on, and I am waiting impatiently for the return of Frances Conroy.

These women are good. They are damn good. Getting to watch them act together is an absolute treat. That the material does not always live up to their talent is a damn shame. That the material sometimes is outrageously below them is an absolute crime. But what they do with the material they have is nothing short of miraculous.

But what “American Horror Story” Coven” gets right, it absolutely nails. There is real venom and humor and darkness and – believe it or not - campy fun in these stories. For all of its copious issues, this is also still almost exclusively a show about female power. And that, that’s something.

As always, I am in it for the ladies. And these ladies cast a damn fine spell. (Sorry, I had to. It’s a show about witches, people.)

SGALGG: Emmy Edition

You know, there wasn’t even that much SGALGG at the Emmys, more evidence that it was a generally forgettable year (minus a few notable exceptions, who of course helped prove the rule). But I worked hard to find you the closest I could find to Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals at the awards this year, because I believe in selfless endeavors that betters humanity. Also, I just like it when ladies hold hands. And this gives me more opportunities to post pictures of Tina and Amy. Award season gives you lemons, you turn it into Liz Lemonade. Too much? Well, I tried. On to the SGALGG.

Tina & Amy

I love how it looks like Tina is totally checking out Amy’s ass and Amy is all, “Like what you see, of course you do.”

Alison Pill & Jane Fonda

I don’t know what Jane is trying to do to Allison, but I’m not entirely sure it’s consensual.

Diahann Carroll & Kerry Washington

Two beautiful women who look beautiful together. No joke, just facts.

“Orange Is the New Black” Emmy Selfies

Stop being so adorable, cast. You only make me miss you more.

Sofia Vergara & Padma Lakshmi

I. Will. Be. In. My. Bunk.

Sofia Vergara & Julie Bowen

Clearly Julie’s being all possessive with Sofia after seeing that display with Padma.

Claire Danes & Lena Dunham

If you watched the E! Red Carpet, you saw Lena & Claire discuss being BFFs. You also saw they awkward goodbye faux makeout.

Bonus: GGALGG

Carla Gallo & Sarah Paulson

I really wanted the gay lady to win for playing a gay lady. Better luck with “American Horror Story: Coven,” Sarah.

Clea DuVall & Natasha Lyonne

Graham + Megan 4EVA

Queer fears

You know when you call something a mind fuck and really you mean, “That’s kind of fucked up. Let’s put it out my mind.”? Will if you, like me, are being forced against your will to watch this season of “American Horror Story” then you are among the few who can legitimately use the term “mind fuck” and mean it in almost the literal sense. Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk are having nonconsensual sex with my brain and I don’t like it one bit. As I have already mentioned, I am a huge wuss when it comes to scary things. I only watched the first few episodes of the first season of “American Horror Story,” but knew it was not for me with its ghouls and ghosts.

But this season, this season is less about the things that go bump in the dark and more about the things that go bump in your brain. The creators have gone for the non-too-subtle metaphor of making this season about psychological scares and setting it in, duh, a mental asylum. And, boy, have they done a terrifying job of bringing every gay person’s worst nightmares to life this season. Having your lover blackmailed into committing you to the institution just because you are both lesbians. Getting locked up against your will in the nut house just for being a lesbian. Being subjected to electroshock treatment just for being a lesbian. Enduring sexual behavior modification therapy just because you are a lesbian. And now (SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS) finding out your girlfriend has been brutally murdered by the one seemingly rational man in the entire place and kept on ice (minus her teeth – shudder) for you to continue your sick ex-gay therapy on just because you are a lesbian? Welcome to your mind fuck, there is no lube.

I can’t say I enjoy this season of “American Horror Story,” because I don’t. I had to close my eyes during the whole (SPOILERS AGAIN) possibly Anne Frank lobotomy scene. And don’t get me started about what the hell they’ve done to poor Chloe Sevigny. But I will say that Ryan and Brad are doing an admirable job of making my every worst nightmare spring to life on screen to terrify and disgust me in equal measure. And while it is not, in any way shape or form, easy to watch, it is interesting. And it is interesting not just for the sheer WTFness of it, but because it does something few horror genre offerings do. It makes us sympathize with the lesbian character above pretty much all others. Sarah Paulson’s Lana is the proxy for the audience, and her anguish is the audience’s anguish. Granted, I’m never happy when a LGBT character has to endure terrible, horrible, very bad, no good things. But I do commend them for making Lana’s horrifying journey our journey. More so than the young man accused of killing his wife. More so than the French girl accused of killing her family. More so than the promiscuous young woman who gets her legs cut off. More than anyone, we’re stuck in this god-awful place with Lana. And we’re rooting for her, above all others, to make it out.

Now will she? Fuck if I know. Also, what the fuck is up with the aliens?

Lesbian Horror Story

WARNING: Scary-ass spoilers for the Season 2 premiere of “American Horror Story” ahead. Especially the scary part.

First, it was like a lesbian dream. Sarah Paulson and Clea Duvall playing lesbian partners in 1964. One is an eager cub reporter wanting to prove herself (that’s be Sarah’s Lana). The other is a third-grade science teacher. They’re in love, living together and – yes – even get to kiss.

Then, just like that, it’s a lesbian nightmare. Sarah gets discovered lurking around the mental asylum and then, horror or horrors, institutionalized because of her homosexuality when her partner is blackmailed into signing the papers with the threat of exposure.

Of course, the nightmare part is sort of the point. The whole show is like a waking nightmare. Truth be told I stopped watching the first season after a few episode because ZOMGSCARY. But now I’m torn about this season. I’m pretty much a wuss, so scary movies/shows/whathaveyou make me hide a pillow. But, I do greatly appreciate that this is a show with actual gay ladies playing gay ladies on screen. But then on the other hand, how terrifying is it to be thrown into an insane asylum for being gay. Worst still, it actually used to happen.

There’s also the matter of this being a Ryan Murphy/Brad Falchuk production. So, their track records with the lesbians is a mixed bag. On the one hand, they gave us Brittana. On the other hand, everything else. So I’m not sure if I should be afraid or really, really afraid for the lesbians in the show.

All this boils down to one big question: Will I keep watching? Well, not alone and definitely not with the lights out.

SGALGG: Emmys Edition

Oh, Emmy Awards. Each year I have such high hopes that only the most deserving will wing and each year something like Jon Cryer happens. And I even used to love Duckie. While they’re not always the most merit wothy of meritocracies, they are almost always a great source of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Like whatever is happening here between Sofia Vergara, Sofia Vergara’s mom and Julie Bowen. Well, Julie did go on about sister wives in her award speech. So keeping it all in the family must just come naturally. A few more SGALGG moments from this year’s Emmys which merit your attention.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus & Amy Poehler

Even Julia thought it was a shame Amy didn’t win. But at least they hugged it out.

Lucy Liu & Julianne Moore

In my head, Julianne just told Lucy she wanted to see her Russia in her house. Are those euphemisms? You betcha.

Jessica Lange & Connie Britton

You can’t blame Connie for taking a shot at Jessica. In fact you’re probably a little jealous.

Morena Baccarin & Claire Danes

While nothing overtly SGALGG-y is happening here, you have to believe the magnificent V in Morena’s dress is giving Claire pause.

Amy Poehler & Tina Fey

If I can’t marry My Fake TV Wife, then I want Amy to have her and I want them to make the funniest babies in all the world together.

Ginnifer Goodwin, Emily VanCamp & Julie Bowen

Julie just made Ginnifer and Emily and offer they can’t refuse.

Katee Sackhoff & Tricia Helfer

What happens in the photobooth rarely every just happens in the photobooth. Ahem.

Christina Hendricks

While she isn’t doing anything gay, she is certainly making a lot of new gays just by sitting there.

Sarah Paulson

This is what I call a Gay Gal Acting Like a Gay Gal. I mean, really, look at how excited she is at the sight of sensible shoes.

Sofia Vergara & Julie Bowen

Screw Jay and Phil. Think how big a hit “Modern Family” would be if we got to see Gloria and Claire do this every week.

NSFW BONUS

So Sofia Vergara suffered a bit of a wardrobe malfunction right before “Modern Family” took home the Emmy for best comedy. I think this might be proof there is a benevolent God, and she loves us lesbians.