SGALGG: Oscars Edition

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming. So the Oscars were on Sunday. If you want a comprehensive recap of the big show (Cliffs Notes version: boobs song, sexist joke, Jaws theme, J-Falls perfectly) check it out over at AfterEllen. If you want to see a bunch of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals together, well, you know where to go. No, wait, don’t go anywhere. Stay here, because that’s where they are. No, I mean it. Just scroll down.

Jennifer Lawrence & Anne Hathaway

Don’t they look like the toppers on a gay lady same-sex wedding cake? Replace those shiny naked golden men with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and it’s pretty much ready for the “I Dos.”

Catherine Zeta-Jones & Jennifer Hudson

I am telling you, I’m not going…down on you in front of all of these people. Wait until later, darling.

Amanda Seyfried & Jessica Chastain

Zero Dark Eyes Up, Chastain. Eyes up.

Norah Jones & Adele

Think of the beautiful music they could make together. Figuratively and literally.

Reese Witherspoon, Naomi Watts & Isla Fisher

Naomi is the shiny meat in this beautiful cobalt blue sandwich.

Sally Field & Amy Poehler

Kiss! Make it a threesome with Tina Fey! Or with Aubrey Plaza since she’s leering at you two together in the background already.

Halle Berry & Paula Patton

No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re prettier. No, you’re… Sorry, I’m imagining their conversation.

Anne Hathaway & Sarah Silverman

Unlike Zeta-Jones and JHud, they’re not waiting to be alone to make the magic happen.

Miley Cyrus & Kelly Osbourne

This is becoming a regular thing for these two. Same time, same place next year I can only assume.

Jennifer Aniston & Charlize Theron

The blurriness of this picture was obviously caused by Jen lunging toward Charlize because no one has the kind of restraint to hold herself back when presented with that much stunning.

Charlize’s Hair

I’ve never asked a haircut to call me before. But in this case, gurl, call me.

My Weekend Oscars

I have loved the Oscars since I was a little girl and used to beg my parents to let me stay up past my bedtime to watch gorgeous people in extravagant outfits thank their parents and agents and Meryl Streep. So leading up to Oscar Sunday, I get those same excited butterflies. Even when the show is deathly dull, which it undoubtedly will be for unconscionably long stretches, I can’t help but get caught up in the occasion. Something about that little naked golden man makes even the most beautiful, glamourous and talented people in the world turn into blubbering fools. It’s fantastic.

But this year I find myself in the unusual situation of having seen none – yes, NONE – of the best picture nominees. For whatever reason 2012 was a slow movie year for me and I only got out to see a handful of them in the theaters, none which were apparently Oscar worthy. Sure I wanted to see some of the films (chief among them “Beasts of the Southern Wild” and “Silver Linings Playbook”), but it just hasn’t happened yet. So I go into this year without any obvious favorites and with no real reason to act enraged or elated when someone wins or loses. So instead this year I am flat-out base my rooting system on who I think will be the most entertaining/delightful/bizarre acceptance speeches. If I’m just watching it for the show, it might as well be a good one.

So, if you want to follow along with me as I live-tweet this year’s shindig, these are the nominees I’ll be throwing my support behind. Once again, these picks are not based on quality or deserving it (though a few do both), but instead on solely what I perceive will be my personal sense of viewing enjoyment.

1. Jennifer Lawrence for Best Actress
Jennifer Lawrence is hilarious, quotes “Mean Girls” and “The First Wives Club” in her speeches and generally seems like the BFF we all wish we had to watch the Oscars with. I want her to win all the awards always.
2. Anne Hathaway for Best Supporting Actress
Anne Hathaway quoted Tina Fey and also will more than likely cry. Her pixie cut is really cute, too. And she was one Princess of Genovia.
3. Joaquin Phoenix for Best Actor
Please, you know that speech would be a fucking disaster. If we’re really lucky he’ll give it with a frog on his head.
4. Tommy Lee Jones for Best Supporting Actor
But only if he promises to do his Grumpy Cat impression throughout his speech.
5. “Frankenweenie” for Best Animated Film
If Tim Burton wins we’ll be treated to many reaction shots of Helena Bonham Carter and whatever crazytown gothic carnival ride of a getup she decided to grace us with.
6. “Skyfall” for Best Song
Because any day Adele gets to go on stage, open her mouth and say things into a microphone is a good day.
7. A Meteor that takes out host Seth MacFarlane
To be honest, this is what I’m rooting for the hardest. And just in case I think the producers should have Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and/or any other hilarious female comedian who would do a better job hosting this thing waiting in the wings.

Ellen DeGrammyres

So, I’ve stopped watching the Grammys with anything more than the most passing interest for wardrobe malfunctions and lip-synch fails years ago. But yesterday after tuning in briefly and then turning to my good friend The Internet, to see what it thought, I was pleased to see that apparently Ellen DeGeneres won the Grammys. I mean what else can you deduce from these photos but that The Great Panted One and Portia had a ball and looked great doing it. Lesbians, we are in your music awards having all the funs.

Ellen & Beyoncé

This photo makes me wish they were in a Laverne & Shirley style sitcom where they shameel shemozzled schlemiel and schlemazeled down the street together.

Ellen & Adele

Adele wants to see that sitcom, too.

Ellen & Lena Dunham

I like how they’re both trying to pretend skeezy Willy Wonka isn’t standing creepily behind them.

Ellen & Nicole Kidman

Nicole clearly wants to kiss Ellen, but this is the most her face muscles can muster.

Ellen, Portia & Ryan Seacrest

I think Randy’s face says it all.

Ellen, Portia & Katy Perry

Best photo sequence of the Grammys, possibly ever.

Ellen, Portia & Kelly Clarkson

And then best photobomb of the Grammys, possibly every.