Vacation Vixen: Blerta

Right, so I’m on vacation for the next few days. I’m road tripping and will have limited internet access, but lots of wine. Not necessarily in that order. To tide you over while I’m away I’ve lined up some vacation treats for you to nibble on. The first is Tina Fey as Blerta, the new Albanian roommate on “Girls.” This skit proves three things 1) “Girls” is ridiculous, but I’m still going to watch it when it returns. 2) Kate McKinnon is amazing and needs to be given more to do on SNL. 3) Tina Fey can even kill while wearing a rubber hand. Happy vacation to me.

SGALGG: Emmy Edition

You know, there wasn’t even that much SGALGG at the Emmys, more evidence that it was a generally forgettable year (minus a few notable exceptions, who of course helped prove the rule). But I worked hard to find you the closest I could find to Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals at the awards this year, because I believe in selfless endeavors that betters humanity. Also, I just like it when ladies hold hands. And this gives me more opportunities to post pictures of Tina and Amy. Award season gives you lemons, you turn it into Liz Lemonade. Too much? Well, I tried. On to the SGALGG.

Tina & Amy

I love how it looks like Tina is totally checking out Amy’s ass and Amy is all, “Like what you see, of course you do.”

Alison Pill & Jane Fonda

I don’t know what Jane is trying to do to Allison, but I’m not entirely sure it’s consensual.

Diahann Carroll & Kerry Washington

Two beautiful women who look beautiful together. No joke, just facts.

“Orange Is the New Black” Emmy Selfies

Stop being so adorable, cast. You only make me miss you more.

Sofia Vergara & Padma Lakshmi

I. Will. Be. In. My. Bunk.

Sofia Vergara & Julie Bowen

Clearly Julie’s being all possessive with Sofia after seeing that display with Padma.

Claire Danes & Lena Dunham

If you watched the E! Red Carpet, you saw Lena & Claire discuss being BFFs. You also saw they awkward goodbye faux makeout.

Bonus: GGALGG

Carla Gallo & Sarah Paulson

I really wanted the gay lady to win for playing a gay lady. Better luck with “American Horror Story: Coven,” Sarah.

Clea DuVall & Natasha Lyonne

Graham + Megan 4EVA

Emmy Hangover

So the Emmys were last night and the only things those of you who did not watch really need to know is this 1) They talked a lot about death. Like, a lot. Like it was the best-dressed funeral with the worst hors d’oeuvres you’ve ever been to. 2) Most of the people I wanted to win lost. See: Amy Poehler, Kerry Washington, Jessica Lang and Sarah Paulson, among others. 3) Three women absolutely stole the show within the first 15 minutes and it was all downhill from there. Those women were Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Merritt Wever.

Tina & Amy showed poor Neil Patrick Harris how it’s done by heckling him about twerking after the opening number.


Then Merritt showed all the other winners how an acceptance speech is done when she won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for “Nurse Jackie.”


The only other thing you need to know about the awards is that Tatiana Maslany was robbed.

Emmy Hangover

So the Emmys were last night and the only things those of you who did not watch really need to know is this 1) They talked a lot about death. Like, a lot. Like it was the best-dressed funeral with the worst hors d’oeuvres you’ve ever been to. 2) Most of the people I wanted to win lost. See: Amy Poehler, Kerry Washington, Jessica Lange and Sarah Paulson, among others. 3) Three women absolutely stole the show within the first 15 minutes and it was all downhill from there. Those women were Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Merritt Wever.

Tina & Amy showed poor Neil Patrick Harris how it’s done by heckling him about twerking after the opening number.


Then Merritt showed all the other winners how an acceptance speech is done when she won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy for “Nurse Jackie.”


The only other thing you need to know about the awards is that Tatiana Maslany was robbed.

My Weekend Crush

As one might expect, I’m pretty damn excited that my Fake TV Wife Tina Fey has landed not one, but two new TV shows. Sure, she’s just executive producing and not starring in either. But both the stories revolve around female leads and are being co-produced by talented members of her “30 Rock” team. One was sold to Fox about an all-woman’s college accepting men for the first time. The other, sold to NBC, is about a young woman who finds a new home and family in New York’s famous gay enclave of Fire Island. Shows about possible gay shenanigans and a woman’s college? Yeah, I’m expecting good, good things. But what I’m also excited about is that Tina having two TV shows means Tina will be doing more press again. Which means Tina will appear on late-night talk shows and tell delightful stories about her life and possibly sociopath of a youngest daughter. Like she did

p.s. If you stole Tina’s computer and all her unfinished jokes, you are the biggest jerkstore there ever was.

Hottest of them all

Right, so each year I feel a little responsible for creating The Beast that is the AfterEllen Hot 100. It was, after all, a post about my fury over Lindsay Lohan and the Maxim Hot 100 oh so many years ago that helped to start it all. But each year, I also dutifully tell you my vote. (Sure, this year it can be votes, but I am old school and choose to vote only once like the Founding Fathers intended or whatnot.) My picks vary, there are some constants (Tina, duh), but really whatever is turning my brain and/or heart and/or other regions most on at the moment is what makes my list. And this year is no different. Seeing as today is the last day to vote in the AE poll, I thought I would show you mine. So here they are. For all to see. Now you show me yours, it only seems fair.

p.s. You can vote in the AE Hot 100 here.

ThursFey

Hey, what’s post-“30 Rock” Tina Fey up to, asked the universe? OK, maybe not the entire universe, but I certainly did and I get to type things onto the computer screen and post them here, so there. Thursday nights remind me of the Tina Fey-shaped hole on my television each week. But thankfully recent appearances by my Fake TV Wife on Jimmy Fallon and Dave Letterman show that she is, indeed, very well. Still wearing a lot of black dresses and – despite what she may say – her arm to boob ratio is just fine, thank you. Appearing in black and white in Time magazine spread as she called them, “selfies from around the house.” Other news tidbits, her daughter got a poodle puppy named Ted and there’s a lot of poop happening as a result.

On Jimmy Fallon:


On Dave Latterman:


Of course these days I’m going to have start calling her my Fake Movie Wife. Because other than late-night talk show appearances the big screen is where I’ll have to visit her these days. So count me among the ticket buys in line to see my lady March 22 when “Admission” opens. Sure, it’ll make conjugal visits awkward. But it’s worth it for Tina.



p.s. Yes, I know all about the Team Swift v. Team Poehler/Fey fake lady controversy. I am firmly on Team Support Women and Take a Joke. Because feminists know how to take, and make, a joke.

The Importance of Being Liz Lemon

Liz Lemon is no dummy. Sure, she works with an amusing array of them. But she, she was never one. And her smarts, and her celebration of her smarts, is important. She remains one of the precious few female sitcom stars whose status as the smartest person in the room has been her primary definition from the start. You’ve got your Mary Tyler Moores and your Maudes and your Murphy Browns. But most other shows built around a sole female character have allowed some other attribute to shine brighter: strength, beauty, cunning, sassiness, lovelorness, et al. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But to be the smart girl in the room, the nerd at the beautiful people party, well, that matters.

I will miss “30 Rock” for so many reasons. Its humor, intellect, zaniness, nerdiness, metaness, catchphrasecoiningness. (BLERG FOREVER!) But probably most of all I will miss it for allowing Liz Lemon to be so smart, unabashedly so. And despite her flaws and foibles, her capability – to run the show and trust her intellect – was never in question.

The show, like its star, just never played dumb. Zany, absurd, klutzy, awkward and even sometimes muppety? Yes. But stupid, never. And along the way it delivered slyly insightful commentary on the things TV shows rarely provide slyly insightful commentary – liberalism, conservatism, feminism, racism, broadcast TV, white guilt, corporate personhood, product placement, night cheese.

So saying goodbye tonight is hard. Because, while it wasn’t for everyone, “30 Rock” was always for me. I’ve in fact never written this blog without it on the air. I started this blog in April 2006 and Tina Fey started “30 Rock” in October 2006. But I’ll keep going, and I know Tina will keep going. So thanks for seven years of making a place on our TVs for the smartest nerd girls in the room. No, it OK. Don't be cry. We'll always have gone to there together.

p.p.s. Hey, sometimes smart nerd girls get frustrated.

SGALGG: Globes Edition

You didn’t think I’d let a big fancy dress up party with shiny trophies go by without a heaping helping of Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals. Granted, the evening had Gay Gals Acting Like Out Gay Gals thanks to Jodie Foster. (p.s. Love how the camera operator panicked when the gay stuff started and panned to the nearest lesbian, Jane Lynch.) Still, nothing like a bunch of fancy frocks to make a gal feel pretty and witty and gay. And they ladies spread the love around liberally this year. And with so many lovelies about, wouldn’t you too?

Anne Hathaway & Amanda Seyfried

The way they were snuggling on the stage during “Les Miserables’” big win made me think we had secretly crashed their wedding.

Anne Hathaway & Jessica Chastain

Well, I’d want a hug with those arms, too, Anne.

When hugging it out doesn't do it, by all means resort to kissing it out.

Lena Dunham & Girls

It's mandatory for all winning costars to snuggle at the Globes. I approve.

Lena Dunham & Julia Louis-Dreyfus

I find a big smooch soothes a los quite well, too.

Vanessa Hudgens & Selena Gomez

Once the envy of tween girls everywhere, now the object of affection of an entirely different group of girls – tweens and otherwise.

Vanessa Hudgens & Ashley Tisdale

They look like guests attending Anne and Amanda’s wedding.

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

NOW KISS, TIMES INFINITY.

Tina & Amy Redux

This is what I imagine they look like after the aforementioned mandatory makeout session.

Thandie Newton & Lucy Liu

Yet another couple of invitees to the Hathaway-Seyfried nuptials. I wonder what they bought off the registry.

Jennifer Lopez & Jessica Alba

The girl to the left behind them is thinking one thing: Threeway!

BONUS: GGALGG

Coming out has clearly made Jodie want to do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight.

Already golden

I do not care who wins. I do not care who loses. All I know is that because Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting the Golden Globes together next Sunday, we are all already winners. Fine, OK, I lied, I care a little about who wins. Like I want Tina and Amy to tie for Best Actress in a Comedy Series. Preferably it will be a three-way tie with Angelina Jolie, so Amy can finally have that conversation with her.

p.s. I really hope they were those Chucks while hosting.

My Weekend Crushes

The Golden Globes and their nominations are, by and large, a joke. (No "Parks & Rec" and no "Mad Men?") But this year's hosts are pure, 100 percent golden. Happy weekend, all.

Chick flick power

I wants it. I needs it. Gives it to me now. Now. Now. Sorry, sometimes I get a little impatient when presented with things I want. Things like two movies featuring three of my favorite actresses. Also one of my favorite actors. But, as is almost always the case with me, it’s all about the ladies. Sandra Bullock, Melissa McCarthy AND Tina Fey? Yeah, we’re gonna need a bigger popcorn boat.

First, Sandra and Melissa in “The Heat.”

This is your friendly neighborhood odd-couple female buddy cop movie. Which in and of itself is awesome. Not because of the formula, necessarily – which is well tread. But that it’s two women instead of the standard two men. Thank you, “Bridesmaids.” And then there’s the matter of the two very, very funny women who make even middling material (I’m talking to you “Miss Congeniality” and “Mike & Molly” somewhat enjoyable).

Then there’s Tina and Paul Rudd in “Admission.”

Now, it too seems to follow a formula, though this time the rom-com one. But it has enough of an interesting twist – possible long-lost son given up for adoption – to make it more than your by the numbers meet cute, overcome obstacle, fall in love flick. Plus, it’s pretty hard to any human to resist the combo of Tina and Paul together. Damn near impossible, actually.

Is it next spring yet?

My Weekend Roar

You know what I like? Women. You know how I like ‘em? Roaring. This election season has been hard on us and our lady bits. There’s been a lot – too much – talk of what we can and cannot do with them. There’s been a lot – too much – talk of what is legitimate and not legitimate when it happens to them. And there’s been a lot – too much – talk of what should happen when someone violates them and whether the unwanted result is something God intended to happen. Enough, old white men. ENOUGH. So this weekend my crush is not on any one woman, but all women – and discerning men folk – who are tired of more than half of the population being told what they can and cannot with our lives and bodies. So here are a lot of smart, talented, funny and fierce ladies saying enough is enough. My vote is my roar. Happy weekend, all.

Bitches get hosting done

SWEET LESBIAN JESUS, YOU HAVE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS AT LAST. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are going to co-host the Golden Globe Awards. Let me repeat that one more time for emphasis. TINA FEY AND AMY POEHLER ARE MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE. With all due respect to Chris Traeger, this is LITERALLY the best news ever. I am LITERALLY overcome with joy. The world is LITERALLY in for a treat. Yes, Joe Biden, I know I’m using literally wrong.

This news is great/amazing/wonderful for so many reasons. One, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are both smart, talented, funny women on their own. Two, together they are like the ultimate dynamic duo of female empowerment and hilarity. Three, awards shows rarely have female hosts, let alone two of them. Four, they’re a refreshing antidote to the Academy Awards’s choice of dude-centric host Seth MacFarlane. Four, this is the perfect excuse to watch old clips of Tina and Amy together on Weekend Update. Five, they'll further fuel our feverish fantasies as Tina and Amy gaze lovingly at each other (see above). Six, bitches get stuff done – mic drop.

Screw Christmas. I’ll have all the presents I’ll ever need come Jan. 13. I mean, if them just chatting together for 10 minutes is this entertaining, imagine how amazing 3 hours of them together will be. Please, hold me – I’m lizzing.

End of Feys

Oh, please. Like I wasn't going to write about Tina Fey on the day of the premiere of the last season of "30 Rock" ever. It's like you don't even know me. Well, it is finally here. The beginning of the end. When it's all over we will have had seven seasons of eating night cheese and wanting to go to there. The thought of it all being over soon makes we want to go get business drunk. Liz Lemon is pretty much my spirit animal. And Tina, well, we all know Tina is my Fake TV Wife. So now that it's all coming to an end I feel so many things. Sad. Excited. Proud. Sad some more. I know "30 Rock" has never been a ratings blockbuster (neither in the Nielsen's or in my comment counts). But I won't stop talking about "30 Rock" or Tina, because they both, genuinely, make me happy. They inspire me. They make me laugh. They make me think. And they make me feel good that such a smart woman can have such success with such a smart show. And, lest you think you are off the hook, Tina recently signed a four-year development deal with NBCUniversal. So, looks like my Fake TV Wife might be back on my real TV even after "30 Rock" is gone. Until then, I shall continue to adulation unabated. And, if I ever feel a little blerg in a world without Lemon, I'll just put on my bi-curious shoes (I swear, I haven't worn them since college) and remember the founding tenets of Lizbeanism. See you, tonight, Tina.