True Dud

Just to prove I can still get mad about things, how about a feel-good, old-fashioned rant about television. Hell yeah, let’s do this thing. As what feels like one of the last idiots left watching “True Blood,” I take great issue with this past season. It’s not necessarily that this past season was more ridiculous than any other past season. Vampires, werewolves, fairies, shifters, werepanthers, maenads, witches, etc. etc. etc. But this season was a true dud (See what I did there? See, see, see?) when it came to its LGBT relationships. The series has long been the kinky party girl of positive LGBT visibility on television. The show has had LGBT characters – Lafayette, Pam, et al – from the start. And the show has been open, so very open, to fluid sexuality. I mean, all vampires are essentially a little gay, right?

Here’s what pissed me off this season. At the end of last season, after Tara came through being shot in the head and sired by Pam, the two lady vamps sealed their relationship with a pretty fucking hot kiss. And in that moment we were all Jessica when she screamed, “I KNEW IT!” Hot damn, we knew they were hot for each other. Yay gay and a round of (non-Hep.V spiked) True Blood for everyone on me.

But then this season came and we waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some damn more to see just the tiniest of sliver of affection and, you know, hot lesbian action between these two and instead were given nothing. Nada. Bupkis. Zilch. Pam snarled at Tara. Tara snarled at Pam. Then Pam slept with the gross pervy shrink to get what she wanted and that’s pretty much it. And not only did the show completely ignore their relationship storyline, they completely ignored the storyline of Bon Temps’ other resident gaymo, Lafayette. How bad was it for us gays this season? This picture of Pam and Tara kinda, sorta adjacent each other was the only production still of them I could find where they’re in the same frame.

Which begs the question, why have Pam and Tara act like they were in love/lust with each other at all at the end of last season? Why go there if you had no intention on following through? I mean, besides just general sloppy storytelling. Ending the season as they did sets the audience up with certain expectations, which then leads to disappointment and general feelings of extreme annoyance. Was this all just for stupid, simple titillation? Really, I watched all this summer for this? They missed a golden opportunity to add layers to both Pam and Tara’s characters by delving into their complicated bond and intertwined affections. Instead, I’m pretty sure the entire point of this past season of “True Blood” was to get Alexander Skarsgard to go full frontal. As with Eric and his Little Viking, I was not impressed with the results.

Say what you will about me (and you do and that’s cool – everyone’s got an opinion), but I have always championed more and better LGBT representation on the screen. And I have always railed against tokenism (you know, that sweeps week shit). So for a show that has, for all its flaws, never trafficked in the latter to suddenly indulge in easy exploitation of temporary girl-on-girl action is discouraging, to say the least. You can do better, “True Blood.” Or maybe not. I mean, did you watch this past season? Perhaps “better” is entirely out of your reach at this point.

My Weekend Crush

I like “True Blood” because after the regular fall TV and serious spring offerings (Can we cool it on the beheadings and castrations, “Game of Thrones?”), I’m ready for some straight-up vampire craziness to lull me into the blissful embrace of summer. And this season, more than any other, has me really excited. Why? Because Pam and Tara, dammit.

Pam has long been one of my favorites and one of the more underutilized characters on the show. Unlike Sookie, I’ve always got time for her lesbian weirdness. And while Tara has occasionally annoyed the ever-loving shit out of me, she has been one of the most resilient characters on the show. I mean if you can come back from a shotgun to the head, you’re pretty much badass for life.

So when the two got together at the very end of last season, maker and her sire, it was cathartic. And we, like Jessica, all pointed at the screen and yelled, “I KNEW IT!” Yeah, we knew it. And we love it. Let us dream the impossible dream of a happy ending for these two. Or at the very least there had better be a lot more lesbian weirdness between them coming up this season. Happy weekend, all.

Meet your maker

WARNING: “True Blood” season finale spoilers. Or as I like to call, “What the fuck was that?”

Right, so I think we can all agree this season of “True Blood” was, well, not good. Pretty bad. Shit, let’s get real – it was a hot, hot mess of a mess. The main problem with the fifth season was that it was segregated into a million small, separate stories where none of the characters talked to anyone but the people in their small, separate stories. Bill didn’t talk to Sookie. Sookie didn’t talk to Eric. Eric didn’t talk to Pam. Pam didn’t talk hardly at all. This strange compartmentalized season had a million small, separate stories I didn’t care one whoop about. Terry and the smoke monster. Andy and the fairy quintuplets. Alcide and the pack. Hoyt and the Obamas. I just really didn’t care. (Well I cared a little bit about Hoyt, but mostly because I care about Jessica.) Oh, and Russell Edgington – I really fucking hate Russell Edgington. Though Eric killing him felt even better than I thought it would. Plus the whole tiresome religious zealot allegory told via Lilith and The Authority? Pat Robertson exists already – I don’t need to be reminded of that sort of bullshit on my silly, sexy vampire show.

But here’s the thing that if not redeemed the season (because, really, I cannot overstate what a hot, hot mess of a mess it was) is the Pam and Tara relationship. Pam turning Tara. Pam teaching Tara, reluctantly. Tara caring for Pam, reluctantly. And then, well, the kiss. That kiss was something. Sure we all saw (or at least hoped we saw) it coming. Pam and Tara together? That’s HOT. But it also makes a strange kind of sense. In fact it’s the only thing that makes sense in this screwy, sloppy season. All Pam’s vampire life the only other person she has cared for was Eric. And all of Tara’s human life, the only people she has cared for are Sookie and Lafayette. And then Eric releases Pam. And then Sookie and Lafayette turn Tara. And those two, all they have is each other. They hate it at first, naturally. But despite it all a bond forms. A bond built out of earned respect and mutual admiration. These are both tough, tough women. These are both survivors. Is it slightly maternal? Sure. But remember Bill slept with his maker Lorena for decades. And Eric sleeps with his sister. Incest isn’t really a thing in the vampire world, so cool your outrage jets folks.

So what will keep me coming back for “True Blood” season 6? Definitely not Billith the bloody tampon monster. Nope, it’ll be the love – hard-earned and well-deserved – between Pam and Tara. In a season that went from ridiculous to “bitch, please,” it was the one true moment of tenderness that didn’t feel farcical. With any luck, come season 6, we’ll finally be able to see that date they owe each other. Because, come on, hot.