Out at the Wedding

On this National Coming Out Day Week (the actual day is Friday, in case you want to start practicing your “I’m here, I’m Queer” chants), we get another interesting lesson in the fine and fuzzy art of saying I am gay. Team U.S. soccer superstar and all-around badass Abby Wambach and her Western New York Flash teammate Sarah Huffman tied the knot over the weekend.

Their relationship was common knowledge for a while. They tweeted about each other and took pictures with each other and appeared on red carpets with each other. In July, Sarah officially came out in an Athlete Ally announcement. But Abby has never officially come out, at least not in the traditional sense. All other senses, you betcha. I mean, she got that haircut. (Kidding, kidding – sorta.)

Then on Tuesday afternoon TMZ “broke” (a pretty accurate word choice, when it comes to them) the story of their wedding after her teammates congratulated her en masse from the couple’s Hawaii wedding via Twitter. And Abby pretty much confirmed it with her own tweet yesterday.

Sarah and I wanted to thank everyone for all the love and support. We couldn't be happier. What an amazing week it's been. #honeymoon

— Abby Wambach (@AbbyWambach) October 9, 2013

So that means she is officially, officially out and we can name her in our Out Gay Athletes lists and dress like her at Halloween, right? Right.

Coming out without ever saying, “Yep, I’m gay” to the press or in a press release or to a fleet of passenger pigeons is still coming out, at least in my book. Call it the Jodie Fosterification of coming out.

Don’t get me wrong, saying the words is still important. To yourself, to your family, to the whole damn world. And I think it’s still preferable because we tiny humans tend to be a dense bunch and nothing drives a point home more clearly than just saying, “Dude, I’m totally gay.” And I do still hope Abby goes ahead and says it out loud sometime soon. Because what we stay and how we say it and who then gets to hear it still matters, it matters so much.

But living one’s life completely openly but also largely unspokenly (not a word, just go with it) is another way to do it. And, you know what, I’ll take it. I will take a life led authentically without hiding or denial or subterfuge minus uttering those three little words. Some people simply do no want to talk about their private lives, and I get that. In writing we’re always told to show, not tell. And life well lived is the ultimate show, even if you never get around to the telling.

Congratulations ladies, here’s to a lifetime of happiness together.

That’s Out Raven

I am of the age that remembers Raven-Symoné more as little Olivia on the Cosby show as the eponymous Raven of “That’s So Raven.” Now be quiet and fetch me my slippers, honey, my stories are on. But old age jokes aside, the former Disney star’s coming out on Friday mattered. It mattered for all the reasons coming out normally matters. Visibility, openness, acceptance, etc. Also, how great is it to have another famous out woman of color? So great. But it also mattered in the way that it happened, not to mention the medium.

Coming out casually is all the rage. The afterthought outing via a short mention in a larger profile in a classy publication (à la Parsons and Quinto) has been the preferred modus operandi of saying “Yep, I’m Gay” in the media for a while now. Recently, more anti-cover story ways of getting your toaster over have also been en vogue. There was the aside in a press release route that Sarah Huffman (a.k.a. Abby Wambach’s, uh, frequent red carpet date). And then yesterday there was Raven coming out via, of all things, Twitter. What do we call that? A twouting? No, that sounds like a strange lesbian fish.

I can finally get married! Yay government! So proud of you

— Raven-Symonè (@MissRavenSymone) August 2, 2013

She been out, momma just didn't have time for bullshit. and I LIVVVEEE "@_BeatrixKiddoo: You better come out sis. @MissRavenSymone"

— Golden Oreo. (@H8teTheeSquares) August 2, 2013

I particularly like that she clarified her coming out tweet with a yes, really, this means she’s actually out, retweet.

To be honest, Twitter as a coming out medium makes a lot of sense. Short, sweet, direct - type 140, hit send, be happy. And it is the epitome of the no-big-deal, still-a-big-deal nature of coming out for today’s celebrities. Also, I think we can all agree that from here on out, “That’s So Raven” is the new “Yep, I’m Gay.”

p.s. Yeah, I know Raven was so about a month late in commenting. But, hey, better late than continually oblivious I guess.

Level playing field

High five, Jason Collins. You’re awesome, you’re inspiring, you’re essential to our continued struggle for full equality. You are not, however, the first openly gay athlete playing in a major American team sport. This takes nothing away from your accomplishment and your courage in coming forward and coming out. But there are openly gay active female players on several American sports teams and sports who have blazed a trail and deserve recognition.

When news broke yesterday the headlines I saw were all a variation on “Jason Collins first openly gay active player” and “Jason Collins first active gay player in major sports.” As the day wore on, several modified that headline with an important word: “Male.” Collins, a 34-year-old who was center for the Washington Wizards, is indeed the first active American gay male player in one of the four major American sports teams – basketball, baseball, hockey and football. But active American gay female players exist in basketball and softball – not to mention soccer, tennis, golf and more.

Your Brittney Griner and Sheryl Swoopes (basketball), your Vicky Galindo and your Lauren Lappin (softball), your Megan Rapinoe and your Natasha Kai (soccer), your Martina Navratilova (tennis), your Patty Sheehan (golf). I could go on.

When Griner came out earlier this month as the first professional WNBA player to come out at the start of her career, it was greeted with headlines like, “Female Star Comes Out as Gay, and Sports World Shrugs” and “Brittney Griner coming out is no big deal, and that's a big deal.”

Yet Collins coming out was in continuous discussion on ESPN and across the frontpages of sports sections everywhere. So in case you were wondering, that double standard is alive and very well.

Granted, I understand that there are inherent and significant cultural differences between the perception of gay male athletes and gay female athletes. One could joke that for female athletes being lesbian or bisexual is almost the default assumption. That’s a stretch, of course, but the ugly stereotype is that girl jocks are considered “too manly to be straight” and guy jocks are considered “too manly to be gay.” The cult of machismo continues to smell worse than a locker room on a hot day.

Look, I am not being ungrateful about Collins coming out. Quite the opposite. He could well be the game-changer to open the closet door wider for more to follow. I am thrilled for the positive support coming from everyone from Michelle Obama to Bill Clinton to Kobe Bryant to Steve Nash more. And I am disgusted by the Chris Broussards of the world who fall back on the old bigotry of the past. I would just like it acknowledged that female professional athletes are also part of this conversation, have been blazing a trail and matter when it comes to creating an accepting sports culture for all who want to play. Hive fives all around.

NOTE: Nothing in this post is a denigration of Collins' accomplishment and importance, nor an expression of anything but happiness at his coming out yesterday. I could not be happier about it. What it is is a multifaceted expression of emotions based on the media coverage of his coming out. We, as humans, are capable of feeling multiple things all at once. Like in the late evening on Nov. 4, 2008 when my heart was filled with pride and joy at our nation electing its first African-American president in its history. But on that same night, at the same time, my heart was also filled with sorrow that my fellow California voters deemed my love unworthy of being officially recognized by the state by passing Proposition 8. One does not take away from the other. Saying I am proud of Jason Collins and I wish gay female athletes were given more respect in the media are not mutually exclusive ideas. We can do both.

My Weekend Crush

In a week of tragedy, chaos and insanity (seriously, let’s not have another week like that in a long time), let’s end on a high note. We had a nice respite thanks to our friends in New Zealand mid-week. And now we’ll finish off with who will surely be your newest crush: Brittney Griner. Granted, she’s not new to many people – what with her being a record-setting career at Baylor University, her NCAA Champion in 2012 and her status as the No. 1 pick in the WNBA this year. Brittney is the second most leading all-time scorer in women’s college basketball, with 3,283 points, and the best shot blocker in college basketball ever, both for men and women, with 748 blocks. She can also dunk. And, oh yeah, she is gay.

After being selected as the top WNBA draft pick by the Phoenix Mercury on Monday, Brittney sat down with some of her fellow top draftees and spoke to ESPN Wednesday night. And in that interview, she casually, confidently came out publicaly. And you have to believe if she hadn’t attended a staunchly Christian university like Baylor, she would have come out a lot sooner, too. Now, there are and have been other out players in the WNBA, including Seimone Augustus, Sheryl Swoopes and Chamique Holdsclaw. But Brittney is the very first to come out at the very start of her professional career. Before the big money endorsements and jersey sales roll in. And this, this matters. It matters because as much progress as we’ve made toward equality, both in the court of public opinion and real courts, sports remains a sad stronghold of homophobia where few venture out of the locker room closet. The amount of internal (and external, ugh Chris Cullivers of the world) resistance to out gay athletes is still palpable. So coming out in professional sport, it makes a difference. Of course each person who comes out, athlete or not, makes a difference. But there can be only one crush each weekend. And this week it goes to the lady who just dunked her way out of the closet. All that, and she is a snazzy dresser. Love the bowtie. Happy weekend, all.

The brave one

Hard as it may be to believe, I won’t remember the 70th annual Golden Globes Awards for my beloved Tina Fey. Or Amy Poehler. Or Sofia Vergara’s golden globes. I mean, sure, they were all spectacular. And Tina and Amy should host everything ever always. Period. Full stop. But what I will remember and still can’t stop thinking about is the amazing acceptance speech and coming out of Jodie Foster. It was extraordinary on so many levels, none the least of which being that I never, ever, not in a million years thought it would happen.

Certainly, we all knew already. I knew as a young girl when I looked at an also young Jodie Foster in all her triumphant tomboy glory and felt that unspoken kinship. And I knew after whispers on “The Accused.” And I knew when I made her my very first Weekend Crush. And I knew in 2007, when she thanked “my beautiful Cydney” in another, less public, award acceptance speech. And I knew yesterday. And I know today.

Yet even without every saying “Yep, I’m gay,” Jodie’s very real, sometimes raw and even a little defiant admission of her personal and private truth was wonderful. Sure, some have groused that it was a little vague. Though I have no idea how calling her former partner Cydney Bernard “one of the deepest loves of my life, my heroic co-parent, my ex-partner in love, but righteous soul sister in life” in front of a viewing audience of more than 10 million people is in any way vague. Nor will we be deterred by her insisting that it isn’t a big coming out speech, in that strange bit of audio that got inexplicably cut: “I hope you guys weren't hoping this would be a big coming out speech tonight, because I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the stone age.”

That’s not vague, that’s talking about what she never talks about. And you could tell, too, because boy was she nervous. And, if you think about it, weren’t we all? Weren’t we all that nervous and jumbled, maybe even more, when we finally said it even one person, let along the universe? Even if everyone already knew. Even if you should have said it ages ago. For me, that made it connect even more. The humanness of it. The honest struggle. For each person who comes out, no matter how long it takes or how many people already know, is a simple act of bravery.

The grumblers of the world of course immediately complained about why it took her so long. How others paved the way and she slid in at the end. But I believe firmly that every person should be allowed to come out at his or her own time, perhaps with a little appropriate prodding, but only when ready. And so each person who comes out counts, no matter how long it takes, and should be celebrated.

Others have questioned whether she was criticizing stars who are already out and/or slamming reality television. For the latter I say, I would much rather live in Jodie’s private world than Honey Boo Boo’s overexposed world. We can be truthful about ourselves without turning our every bowel movement into a news event. Celebrity culture is the real target here, and our insatiable desire to know every last bit of salacious minutiae about the unknowable.

As to the former, I do not believe she was swiping at the Ellens or Melissas or Martinas of the world in the least. Instead, in her own way, she was explaining her own path towards this very public moment. A path that we should not forget began in the spotlight at the age of 3 and involved a madman with a gun who shot the President of the United States just to get her attention. Her guarded nature, her insistence on privacy, you can understand why those would be the bedrock of her very core. And, let us also not forget, that at 50 – that age she repeatedly told us she is – she comes from a different generation where baby doll rainbow flag T-shirts weren’t sold at Hot Topic.

So now what? I hope Jodie feels good about what happened. Relieved and proud and hopeful about her next era. I hope she knows how much it meant, even if it took so long and we all already knew. A two-time Oscar winner and bona fide Hollywood icon doesn’t come out as family every day. But, unlike her, I have no fear that anyone will every forget that “Jodie Foster was here.” You are seen, you are more understood and you are not alone. We are all here, with you.

p.s. Sweetie, trust me, with those arms you certainly won’t be single long.

Power of two

Well would you look at that. "Glee" doesn't ruin every lesbian thing it touches after all. "The Glee Project" contestant Dani Shay and Ali Stroker announced their relationship via a love song, or make that video, this week. Dani's new video for her single "One" features a mystery lady who turns out to be..drumroll, fellow "The Glee Project" contestant Ali. Ali confirmed the coupling on her official blog. Aw, that's pretty cute. Love and stuff. Shut up, I don't always have to be snarky just because it's my name.

p.s. Don't worry, I still intend to get plenty snarky with the actual "Glee" for, well, you know.

About Last Night

Right, so all of you kittens across the pond can just cross your arms and feel smug for a for being way ahead of me. But I’ve just fallen for Lucy Spraggan. The UK “X-Factor” contestant sang her way into you Brits hearts way back in August. But this Yank was slow to catch on. And in fact would still be oblivious if I hadn’t lazily clicked a video link I found while dawdling researching on Tumblr. See, procrastination pays off! Click play and lose your heart as well.

Things you should know. 1) She is gay and came out when she was 14. 2) She pulled out of “X-Factor” earlier this month due to illness. 3) She reminds me of clever a little gay Lily Allen. That last part is just my humble opinion. But, goodness, if her song didn’t put a smile on my face. And all I needed to see were her trainers (sneakers, to us Americans) to know she was definitely family. Adorable, hilarious, very talented family. Happy Wednesday. Now who needs a drink?

A tall glass of Pinoe

Sports and gay ladies go together like the peanut butter and jelly of lesbianism. Sure, not all lesbians and bisexual women play softball – or any sport for that matter. I include myself in the decidedly “non-sporty” category. It’s all I can do to walk and breathe at the same time some days. But if you don’t know at least one sporty dyke then you should go hang out by a grassy sports field any given Sunday. They are there. Trust me. So the fact that we still have little more than a handful of high-profile out ladies in professional sports is, to put it mildly, perplexing. Sure, there is Martina. And Billy Jean. Also France’s Amélie Mauresmo, Norway’s Gro Hammerseng, Australia’s Natalie Cook, Sweden’s Jessica Landström. And others, of course. But we always want more because we know they’re out there – playing their big gay hearts out.

So that’s why a Megan Rapinoe is so special. Well, really, she’s special for a lot of reasons – the hair, the personality, the ass-kicking soccer skills. But she’s also an athlete who came out at the height of her success, right before she stepped on the grandest stage of all – the Olympics. Not late in her career, not after her career was over. So then we could celebrate with her as an out and proud gay athlete as they put that gold medal around her neck. It was as close to winning a gold medal as I’ll ever come, that’s for sure.

Megan credits coming out with helping her play her best at the Olympics. She said of coming out: “I think it was the best decision I ever made. To be able to go into such an important event like that being a wide open book and just saying this is who I am, I’m damn proud of it and hopefully you are too.”

So over the weekend Megan was deservedly awarded the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center's Board of Directors Award.

And if that doesn’t convince you to become a Pinoe superfan, maybe Tom Hanks screaming “Megan Rapinoe! Megan Rapinoe!” will. And, of course, if all else fails there’s always The Hair.

Thanks, Megan. And, as always, love The Hair.