Hot Rod

How do you solve a problem like Michelle Rodriguez? On the one hand, she’s amazing. Hot, fierce, unwilling to compromise her vision of self for the confines of conventional femininity. On the other hand, she’s perplexing. Protesting, some would say way too much, about how much Mitchie likes sausage and other things that alienate her from her steadfast lesbian and bisexual female fanbase.

So I, like many a gay lady, had the same reaction when that “Fast & Furious 6” trailer came on during the Super Bowl earlier this month. No. 1, Oh, for fuck’s sake, why is there another one of these? And No. 2, oh, fuck, that’s Michelle Rodriguez in a tank top. Then a distant No. 3 was, wait, didn’t her character die? Stripping all sexual politics away, Michelle appeals to lesbians (not all, clearly, but oh so many) on a very basic level. Her toughness, her strength and her absolute smoking hotness in a tank top tap into our communal primal vein.

Which, I think, is why it’s even more disappointing when she’s erratic when we expect her to be empowering. I don’t pretend to know, for 100 percent certain, M-Rod’s sexual orientation. (Though I do have a female friend who swears she hit on her at a party.) Nor do I want to take away her right to, if it is indeed the case, come out on her own terms and in her own time. I just wish, from all of us, that she was as cool at dealing with her queer female fans and their complimentary wishful thinking as she was while kicking ass and wearing a tank top in the movies.

While I have, very proudly, never seen a single “Fast & Furious” movie from start to finish, I will say whenever the movie comes out I plan to search the series of tubes feverishly to see the fight between Michelle and Gina Carano that starts at the 2:23 mark in this trailer.

Combat ready

Now, I’m no fan of violence, war or fighting. But I am a fan of equal rights and opportunity. So I applaud the news that broke yesterday that the military was lifting its ban on women in combat. Because being equal means just that. The opportunity to do the same work, face the same challenges, make the same sacrifices and reap the same honors as everyone else. And I also applaud it because it makes conservative nitwits like Tucker Carlson angry at feminism. Which, you know, bonus.

But me being me and all, I must celebrate this historic step in women’s rights the only way I see fit. With hot ladies in uniform, of course. Women of the military, both fictional and real, we salute you.

Dana Delany, China Beach

Just thinking about the opening theme gives me shivers.

Heather Peace, Ultimate Force

Hot Cop meet Hot Soldier

Glenn Close, Serving in Silence

Just think, movies like this won’t ever have to be made again.

Rose Rollins, The L Word

Is it weird that when DADT was lifted, I thought, “Oh, good, now Tasha will get her full benefits.”

Jessica Biel, Stealth

I never saw this movie, but the costume department deserves some sort of award.

Jordana Brewster, Annapolis

I also never saw this movie, but ditto on the costume department.

Michelle Rodriguez, Avatar

Technically she was a solider for hire, but let’s not spilt hairs.

Katee Sackhoff, Battlestar Galactica

Soldiers in futuristic militaries on distant star systems totally count.

Demi Moore, G.I. Jane

Oh, like I wasn’t going to use the one-armed pushup.

A grateful universe thanks you for your service, ladies.